It’s been nearly a year, if not longer, since this started. Where it continued to ramp it’s self up to excessive levels that I didn’t know how to control nor admit it was an issue. Now here I am, writing a post about my little confession, hoping it will allow for it to clear some air for myself.
What is this? What is this confession?
It’s rather simple - I’m addicted to shopping.
It makes me feel a little…okay… a lot… neurotic to admit this was an issue. While I didn’t feel I had an issue for months, I hadn’t realized how sever it had became. I managed to empty out a $20k in savings I had rigorously worked for years on. For months I had monthly credit card bills that were ranging from $1500-2500. My checking account stayed in the $20-50 range. I was basically upside down financially, burying myself to where I had no savings to back me up on my spending anymore.
The straw that broke the camels back was when I had my haircut last weekend and I tried to style it on my own that Monday morning. I was so focused on wanting it to look perfect in my mind, and when it wasn’t cooperating in such a manner – I wanted to cry about it. The same thing happened Tuesday and I realized I had to really analyze myself of why I felt this way because this was not me to be upset over a haircut. I always had the mentality that my hair grew and I could get through it if I needed to.
After such much needed reflection and realizing my daily life – I realized that I was probably a little OCD. Before I leave my house, I check whatever tool I used to style my hair about five times to make sure its unplugged. Even when I close the door and lock it, I will unlock it, to just go check again. When I lock the door, I have to double check that the door is actually locked. It’s literally walking away, all to come back, and recheck it; even if I know I did it. Even then, on the second trip, I would unlock and recheck the hair tool again. I can even think of times where I lock my car, walk away, recheck the door handle, and push the lock on the key remote a couple times. The interesting part in these habits is that I don’t do them when Miles is around. Maybe it’s a sense of security that he would tell me if they weren’t off/locked, but I can think of times when had sent him a text to ask him to check it, or before leaving work, I would ask him to double check for me.
I believe that some of this behavior had lead to my shopping spending. Almost every day at work I was buying something, and trying to justify why I needed it. I simply don’t know the idea of waiting for it because I fear that things will go out of stock before I can get to it, and that’s why I need it. I can think of times when Miles would say ‘Did you really need that?’ and I would find a reason to say it was ‘limited’ or ‘going quickly’ to justify it. Even before I had admitted to Miles the issue, I would put things in my shopping cart, walk away, all to come back hours later, buy it, and not really know why I did. My behavior in shopping was compulsive – every single day I was ordering.
So… here I am a week later trying to figure out how to battle this. I’ve stuck my credit card in the drawer in my bedroom so I no longer have access to it at work. While it may be annoying to Miles at times, I’ve been asking for permission to buy things to see if they really are justified or even just a certain amount of quantity if I want them. I’ve slowly been selling off my extra nail polishes for money as well. I think I have a long journey ahead of me to fix this issue, but I’m confident I can do it.